Right folks, let’s talk about condoms. Yes, those little rubbery wonders that have been saving lives, preventing awkward conversations, and keeping us all out of sticky situations since forever. Or at least since ancient Egyptians were wearing linen sheathes (true story).
In this guide, we’re going to cover everything you ever wanted to know about condoms, with a dash of humour to keep things light. Because, let’s face it, talking about condoms doesn’t need to be as stiff as... well, you get the idea.
What is a condom?
For the uninitiated (where have you been?), a condom is a thin sheath typically made of latex, polyurethane, or lambskin. It’s designed to fit snugly over the penis or inside the vagina to prevent sperm from meeting an egg, thereby keeping babies and STIs at bay. Think of it as the superhero cape for your bits. Except, you know, it’s not a cape. It’s a condom. Stay with me here.
Condoms are a cornerstone of sexual health for a reason. Not only are they practical and easy to use, but they also provide an almost unrivalled level of protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unplanned pregnancies. They’re like the Swiss Army knife of contraception—small, versatile, and incredibly handy in a pinch. Plus, they’ve come a long way from their humble beginnings, now offering an array of options to suit every preference, allergy, and ahem... size.
The many types of condoms
Like tea varieties or Harry Potter fan theories, condoms come in a bewildering array of options. Whatever your preference or requirement, there’s likely a condom designed to tick all your boxes (and protect them too). Here are the main types:
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Latex Condoms The OG of condoms. Made from natural rubber, latex condoms are the most common and widely available option. They’re cheap, effective, and stretchier than your mum’s old leggings. Plus, they’re biodegradable, so they’re good for the planet as well as your health. However, if you’ve got a latex allergy, you’ll need to explore alternative materials. Pro tip: always check for the “quality assured” mark to ensure your latex condom is up to snuff.
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Polyurethane Condoms These are the go-to for latex-allergic folks. Made from a type of plastic, polyurethane condoms are thinner and transfer heat better, which some say makes things feel more natural. They’re also odourless, which means you won’t have to deal with that telltale “balloon factory” smell. On the downside, they’re slightly less stretchy than latex, so proper fit is key.
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Lambskin Condoms Fancy, natural, and slightly medieval-sounding. Lambskin condoms are made from the intestinal membrane of sheep (yes, really). They’re great for pregnancy prevention and are prized for their natural feel. However, they’re useless against STIs, so they’re best reserved for monogamous couples who have both been tested.
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Female Condoms Because why should penises have all the fun? Female condoms (or internal condoms) are worn inside the vagina and offer similar protection. They’re like a sleeping bag for your cervix, providing a snug and secure fit. While they’re not as popular as their male counterparts, they’re a great option for women who want more control over their contraception.
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Specialty Condoms We’re talking ribbed, dotted, ultra-thin, extra-thick, flavoured, extra large, small, glow-in-the-dark... the list goes on. There’s a condom out there for every taste and occasion. Seriously, if you’ve ever thought, “I wish my condom tasted like strawberries and looked like a lightsaber,” someone’s got you covered. These specialty condoms add a bit of spice to proceedings, so don’t be afraid to experiment.
How to use a condom (without fumbling like a rookie)
Using a condom is not rocket science, but you’d be surprised how many people get it wrong. Incorrect use can lead to breakages, leaks, and a whole lot of unnecessary stress. Here’s a step-by-step guide to ensure you’re doing it right:
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Check the Expiry Date Expired condoms are about as trustworthy as a politician’s promise. The material can degrade over time, making them more likely to break. Always check the date before you use one. If it’s expired, bin it and grab a fresh one.
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Open Carefully Tear the packet gently along the edge. Teeth or scissors might seem cool, but they can leave tiny holes in the condom. And nobody wants a leaky condom. Take your time and handle with care.
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Pinch the Tip This is crucial. Pinch the reservoir tip to leave room for, well, you know what. Otherwise, it’s like overstuffing a suitcase—something’s bound to burst. No tip = no wiggle room = potential disaster.
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Roll It On With the condom right-side out, roll it down to the base of the penis. If you’re flailing about trying to figure out which way it rolls, don’t panic. Take a breath, discard it, and start over with a new one. Practice makes perfect, so don’t be embarrassed.
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Get Down to Business Do your thing, knowing you’re protected. High five yourself for being a responsible adult. Bonus points for incorporating lube to enhance the experience and reduce friction.
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Dispose Properly When you’re done, hold the base of the condom as you pull out to prevent spillage. Don’t flush it unless you want to be the reason for a plumber’s bad day. Wrap it in tissue and bin it like the considerate person you are.
Common condom mistakes (and how to avoid them)
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Doubling Up: Two condoms are not better than one. Friction between them can cause tearing. Stick to one at a time.
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Not Leaving Space at the Tip: This leads to breakage. Pinch that tip, people!
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Putting It On Midway: The condom should go on before any genital contact. Pre-ejaculate can carry sperm and STIs, so don’t risk it.
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Reusing a Condom: Ew. Just no. Condoms are single-use only, end of story.
Why use condoms?
If you need convincing, here are some top reasons to make condoms your best mate:
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They Prevent Pregnancy Many condoms offer 98% effective with perfect use, which means only 2 out of 100 couples will experience an unplanned pregnancy in a year of consistent use. That’s about as close to a sure thing as you’ll get without celibacy.
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They Protect Against STIs From chlamydia to HIV, condoms are like a forcefield for your nether regions. They’re the only form of contraception that also provides protection against infections, making them an absolute must for casual encounters.
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They’re Convenient Small, portable, and don’t require a prescription, condoms are the epitome of convenience. Keep a few on your person, bag, or bedside drawer and you’ll always be prepared.
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They Don’t Mess with Hormones Unlike pills, implants, or injections, condoms won’t interfere with your body’s natural hormonal balance. That means no unexpected mood swings, weight changes, or other side effects.
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They’re Affordable Even the posh ones are cheaper than a pram.
Fun condom facts
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The world’s largest condom is 72 feet long. (Don’t ask why it exists. Just marvel.)
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There’s a National Condom Day, celebrated on 14 February. Because nothing says romance like latex.
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In Japan, condoms were once made from tortoise shell. (Bet you’re glad you live in modern times.)
Condom FAQs
Can I use lube with condoms?
Absolutely, but choose wisely. Water-based or silicone-based lubes are safe with latex. Oil-based lubes will turn your condom into a soggy mess. Always read the label to be sure.
Check out our lube guide to learn more.
What if it breaks?
Stay calm. Consider emergency contraception if pregnancy is a concern, and get tested for STIs as a precaution. Next time, check the expiry date, use lube to reduce friction, and make sure you’re using the right size.
Are condoms 100% effective?
Sadly, nothing short of abstinence is foolproof. But condoms are pretty darn close if used correctly. Combine with another form of contraception for added peace of mind.
Can I use a condom in water?
Yes, but be cautious. Chlorine, saltwater, and oils can weaken latex. And keep it on securely, nobody wants a runaway condom in the hot tub.
Final Thoughts: Wrap It Before You Tap It
Condoms may not be the most glamorous topic, but they’re an essential part of sexual health and safety. Whether you’re ribbed-for-pleasure or strictly vanilla, there’s a condom out there to suit your style.
So go forth, armed with knowledge and a sense of humour, and make good choices. Because life’s too short for awkward clinic visits and unplanned surprises.
Check out our range of condoms today to ensure you are protected when the heat of the moment arises.